Adult Children


I have sometimes wondered about the phrase “the sins of the parents.” The scriptures contain several instances where the sins of the parents are to be visited on the heads of the children for many generations to come.

Ever wonder how that happens?

Adult Children of Alcoholics can tell you. Those who grew up with a parent deep in addiction can tell you the effect it has on them, right through to adulthood. As they reflect, they should also be able to identify ways in which they learned to cope with the unpredictability of an addicted parent. Adult Children, with a little guidance, should point to decisions they’ve made—and continue to make—based on patterns they developed during difficult and confusing periods in their lives.

Traditionally, Adult Children grow up with three main rules concerning the world they live in:

1) Don’t Talk
2) Don’t Trust
3) Don’t Feel

These three rules kept them from being overly embarrassed, kept them from being hurt any further and gave them the emotional distance they needed, away from a loved one who could turn on them in an heartbeat. These rules were necessary coping skills for making sense of a world that often made no sense at all.

Unfortunately, these rules, so vital in childhood, later create havoc in healthy adult relationships. They prevent the kind of closeness and intimacy that is needed for long term happiness. Unless they are unlearned, they become an anvil around the neck of one searching to be happy.

I recently worked with a powerful woman who runs a large company. She is successful in helping a lot of people. She has a large staff of employees. She also carries a large “guilt” bag around with her at all times, left over from some painful child/parent experiences. Several mid management people in her company have learned they can manipulate her with anger or with blame to get what they want. As a result, she often feels powerless and stressed—in her own company, by the people she herself hired!

When we get serious about working (the dreaded) Step Four, we need to look closely at the effect others have had on us (if we are Adult Children) or the long lasting influence our addictions have had on others.

Then, with the help of the Spirit, can we begin to “see as we are seen”, so we can then picture ourselves and our behaviors as the Lord sees them. Only then will we be in a place to let the Atonement begin to gently remove those debilitating weaknesses from our lives.